Liosuelo

“I just don’t want anything to happen to you…”

I say, as tears stream down my face. My boyfriend pulls me in close, his embrace a thick blanket of comfort. He tells me words that soothe the ache in my heart but can’t truly massage the deep wounds. Wounds that would cause me to blurt out to him what I just did.

Sometimes late at night, when the darkness comes, the atmosphere is still, and silence rules, my deepest fears rise and curdle to the surface. Thats when the temporary nature of our existence hits me the hardest. When I realize that everyone I love will eventually be gone. My family and friends will go to dust, and the crippling anxiety and fear that courses through my body is overwhelming.

This isn’t new. I have always been rooted in the reality of the cycle of life. My family frequently spoke about death. My great-grandmother and grandmother, at least a few times a year, would demonstrate to me (and other members of my family) where to find their funeral arrangements and clothing for the time of their passing.  Loss and grief were a reality my family bravely embraced and encountered. 

But my trauma surrounding my grandmother’s sudden death at 18 and my father’s untimely death at 28 deeply traumatized me. You can never truly prepare for loss. It always hits hard. 

I resolve these pains by telling myself this isn’t my final life. That there is more to enjoy when we close our eyes one last time. There are many lives to look forward to, and the people I love will be a constant thread throughout my existence. This isn’t the end – it can’t be. Then, I make sure to savor every moment with them this lifetime.

My relationships are imperfect, but I still cherish them. Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself that I can’t spend as much time with my loved ones as I would like or that we live so far from one another. However, I try not to carry any regrets in my life. I tell myself the limits of relationships are just a reflection of where I am at. So, I accept myself, and in that acceptance, I find solace in grief.  

These moments won’t last forever. But the memories can. The love I feel for him and my loved ones stand resilient to the passing of time. It’s in my heart. 

So, as the tears streamed down my face and wet his chest. I allowed him to comfort me and love me. And when he says, “I am not going anywhere,” I believe that to be true.