Liosuelo

Coming Home

It’s been officially about seven months of living in the U.S. full time since I left six years ago to live abroad!! There have been so many lessons, paths, and lows since I’ve been back.

Surprisingly, I usually have good timing, and though everyone seems to think this is the worst time to be back home, for me, it’s been the best. Ironically, I finally understand what belonging means.

::incoming are random photos & snippets from life back in the U.S.::

Finding Comfort Again

Yes, I found belonging, freedom, and connection abroad. But with every country I moved to, there was always a challenge. After a while, it became exhausting trying to feel like I belonged in places where I didn’t fully belong beyond a certain time.

So, being back in a place where I’m from, where I understand the culture, even if I don’t always like it, has been very settling and cozy. Plus, it’s comforting to be in the same country as my family again, to talk to them, see them, and just be available.

My partner and I decided to move back to the U.S. to take advantage of a program while also removing some of the mobility and instability we’d gotten used to. The infrastructure here, like the roads, parks, and access to amenities, has been really healing for us, especially after a few difficult years abroad.

Life in Tulsa

Living in a small town like Tulsa has been interesting. It’s welcoming. However, the history of Tulsa is layered, heartbreaking, and traumatizing for many people who have lived here for generations. As I meander down the streets, drive to different parks, or explore new restaurants, there’s a slight uneasiness in the air. A deep mistrust and suspicion people seem to have toward each other. It’s hard to explain.

Even with that, I’ve been enjoying being back “home.” Sure, I still don’t fully fit in, but it’s nice to have space, familiar landscapes, and safe nature trails again. Much of my days are spent writing, driving aimlessly (when we have a car), and taking deep breaths. I’m appreciating the sunsets, the quiet, and the sense of familiarity.

The U.S. has extremes. It’s hyper-capitalistic, but as a result, it also offers an ease that makes daily life straightforward and, well, “easy.”

Rebuilding Community

Rebuilding community has been its own experience.

On one hand, I deeply miss my international community. It’s strange and beautiful being an expat and forming friendships with people who share neither my nationality nor language, yet we connect through small shared beliefs or moments. One of my closest friends is from South Africa. We don’t share the same background, but our shared challenges have made our bond strong.

In the U.S., I may have more in common with people’s experiences, but not always their values. I’m drawn to people who live their life with freedom, exploration, and creativity. Most people here seem more focused on high-paying jobs, cars, homes, and vacations. That lifestyle difference has taken some adjustment, but I’m enjoying it.

I did miss Americans. Our enthusiasm, our grit, our high energy, our “everyone is special” attitude, our drive for success and being high achievers. Funny enough, even in the most random places around the world, I often found myself gravitating toward people who were American or had spent time in the U.S.

It’s strange how identity and culture pull at you. Even if I don’t quite fit in as an American who’s been abroad for six years, I know I’ll miss some aspects of this place when I leave again.

Settling into the Present

It’s complicated and messy, but what feels simple is this: being back home, even in a “random” city like Tulsa, I feel somewhat tethered.

I don’t know what’s next, but for now, I’m settling into slow mornings, time with my partner, trying to get my fitness together (again), going to hard Megaformer classes, making nachos twice a day, taking photos of architecture I love, and enjoying long showers and my full washer and dryer.

I’ve especially been loving the U.S. calorie counting system and how easy it is to plug everything into MyFitnessPal. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s have been my happy places. The amount of options is astounding. The vegan food scene has evolved so much in the years we’ve been away too.

What Feels Right (For Now)

It’s a scary time to be in the U.S. in many ways, and I’m not sure if we’ll stay long-term. But right now, it feels right. I suppose everything happens for a reason, and maybe I’m here for one.

Many hours have been spent on my porch, letting the sun warm my skin and soul, distracting me from all my future-oriented fear, especially around career and how I make money consciously. I’ve been diligently applying for my next role, which has been one of the hardest things to do right now because of the job market. Every day there’s another company layoff.

I’m grateful to have contracts that tide me over during these rocky times, but where I’ll be in six months, a year, or five years from now, no idea.

Little Joys in the Meantime

Besides the stress of being “back home” and the blues from the social climate, here’s a list of the top ten things I’ve been enjoying since being back in the U.S., according to my photo albums:

• Long empty walks through downtown Tulsa, with the sun shining between skyscrapers
• Sourdough pastries (still not as good as in the UK, but they hit the spot)
• Yummy home-cooked meals
• My baby cousin visiting from STL and remembering the intimacy of being near family. As we say in Panama, she’s my prima hermana, and being near her after almost 15 years reminded me of that closeness
• Festivals and book fairs galore! Tulsa has a busy social calendar for a relatively small place
• Lots of reading, writing, and daydreaming
• Getting my first road bike
• Houseplants, generously gifted by an older woman from Home Depot, our fairy plant mother
• Social justice events that remind you of your privilege

Cheers to spending the rest of my lease in the U.S. and figuring out what comes next. lol