Liosuelo

“Stay yourself. Never change who you are.” My boyfriend had to tell me this today, because I came home in tears. The thing with me is that I am not only sensitive, but also perceptive. I am like many inanimate objects. Objects that absorb things. A sponge comes to mind. Objects that read an environment, like a thermostat. And especially objects that can see through surfaces, barriers, and layers. Like an X-ray.

In my Christian household, I was told I have the gift of discernment. In the New Age world, I am a seer. In the wellness arena, I am a super empath. But apparently, in the world of governments and espionage, I would be a really good CIA agent or spy. You have to be good at reading body language and subtle human cues.

My ability to feel, see, and think beyond the obvious, to pick up on the meanings tucked between sentences or gestures, is a gift. And also like a curse. I learned today that it can feel like a game.

Anyway, today was tough for me emotionally. I came home in tears telling my boyfriend, “I am done with this place. I am tired of trying. Everyone is too weird.”

Living in almost a dozen places over the past decade has taught me that every country, city, region, neighborhood, and group of people has a particular pulse. You have to adapt and change accordingly. Yet sometimes I fall short of being adaptable. Or sometimes what requires adjusting would force me to go against the very essence of who I am. But what do you do when the very essence of who you are seems to repel other people? When your personality feels like it is too much?

That is how I felt today.

I went to an event that was supposed to be a celebration. I was excited to see people I had just become friendly with. I thought maybe this new community I am entering could be the missing link.

Tulsa is an interesting place. I will just say that my energetic, open, bubbly personality does not always fit in. I feel rejected often in simple conversations or even just saying hello on the street.

But in this new space, at this event, I was hopeful. There were familiar, new faces. And without going into too much detail, something happened that left me feeling unexpectedly small. It was one of those moments where a shift in someone’s tone or presence catches you off guard. Nothing dramatic, nothing rude, just a subtle distancing that I could not quite understand. One minute things were normal, and the next I felt like I had overstayed my welcome without realizing it.

I cannot place what happened. I do not know what I did wrong. Maybe I was too chatty for the moment, or maybe they simply did not have the energy for more conversation. Maybe they were dealing with their own internal thing and did not even notice how it came across.

After I left, I felt sad and confused. This person had been warm before. Then suddenly there was this coolness, and it stung. I know something must have shifted for them, and that happens a lot socially. We all affect one another. Maybe they had no idea how distant they seemed.

By the time I got home, the whole thing felt bruising. And I hated that feeling. Why do I care? Who cares if someone feels uncomfortable with me? Who cares what a stranger thinks?

Maybe it hit harder because I was already having a blusey day, so I was more vulnerable.

I told my boyfriend, “You know what. I am going to stop being friendly.”

Part of me wondered if I should censor my personality and change. But he told me that instead of changing, I need to create a process to deal with rejection. Because it will keep happening. I cannot let moments like this linger the way they try to. Still, it did hurt.

Maybe this new community will not give me everything I want in human interactions. People are not always consistent. I need to make more effort to be around people who make me feel seen, heard, and appreciated. That cannot always come from colleagues, family, and definitely not new acquaintances. But my boyfriend and a few of my close friends are a good place to start.

And I should probably be more selective about whose reactions I take to heart. My little brother, who I am having a conflict with. My mother, who is likely upset that I am taking a hiatus from communicationing with the family to feed my inner world. My friend in Los Angeles, who just had a baby and I have not reached out to yet. Or my close confidants in London & Belgrade. They matter more.

But random strangers, new acquaintances, or people who have not earned a place in my inner circle probably do not.