As I continue to learn more about astrology and my birth chart, I see its interconnectedness to the intricacies of my personal life, my moods, and the rhythms within my soul.
October, November, and December were tough months for me regarding “movement.” Movement in terms of physically being tied to a location because I had to set up my home and create a safe space for myself. So, I could not escape and “get away” on a whim.
My movement in terms of physical activity, like running, walking, and working out, was also limited because I was ill back-to-back. My body seemed to be exhaling after months of stress. All my cells wanted to do was cleanse and release. I was essentially bedridden for three weeks in December.
Lastly, there was also a limitation on the movement in my life regarding achievement and reaching my definition of success. I hit roadblock after roadblock no matter how much I pushed and tried to manifest the visions I had. I tried to exert control over how my creativity would be perceived externally and wanted to exact an image of how I wanted my place on Earth to be. I did not care about the signs I received from the environment or through my spiritual practice about what season I was in.
I wanted my life to look a particular way, and I tried hard to bring it to fruition. But, I never won and continually hit resistance. Nothing worked. I was not getting the feedback and the acknowledgment that I felt entitled, which I wanted. I was sowing and plowing, but there was no crop produced.
Essentially at some point in November, “I gave up”. I wrote in my journal, “fuck it, I surrender”. I released myself into the flow of the universe, with the flow of God and how things were happening. I surrendered to time. There was but so much movement I could force and energy I could spark.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a New Moon Astrology teaching/women’s circle. Cassandra, my astrology teacher, affirmed what I had been grappling with for the past few months. She explained that since the end of October, November, December, and then into January, there has been this energy stagnation. A period of slow energy and taking a seat back on life. It was a retrograde period. Retrograde is when a planet, apparently from our point of view, is going backward. It’s not going backward, but how we perceive it from Earth. She explained these periods for remembering reorganizing, replanting, and reorienting.
Which is what I truly felt. Nov – Jan was a whiteboard period. Daily it seemed like I had to replan, reassess, and create a new lens. There were plenty of crying and nights when I went to sleep, frustrated that I could not execute my plans and reach the milestones I so desperately desired.
The planet in retrograde was Mars, also correlated to the “wintertime” energy of hunkering down and hibernation. So this energic slowdown would show up emotionally and energetically within our psyche and physically in our bodies. Which I did not like!
Specific goals require a particular energy input and setpoint. What do you do when you don’t have access to energy and don’t have sustenance to move forward? That was my dilemma. I felt super unsupportive by God, my ancestors, my angels, and my guides because “why am I not moving forward?!”, “why am I hitting these brick walls?!”
Then suddenly, around the 12th of January, I felt like a bit of veil was lifted; this impermeable membrane that kept me fastened to something all of a sudden broke! Coincidently around that time when Mars in retrograde ended. Feeling this shift before knowing there was a planetary shift made my ears perked to learn about what else was happening in the solar system, to anticipate and embrace the energic currents around me.
New Moon moved into Aquarius around the 21st of January, and I attended her workshop a few days prior. I am so glad I did because this New Moon’s themes have come to the surface since then. I am still reflecting on the lessons learned during this period. The New Moon happens every 29.5 days. It’s when the moon and the sun meet. This conjunction is vital because it’s a time of seizing new information and new insights.
This New Moon in Aquarius brings up the questions:
-what are your ideals?
-what are your dreams?
-what are your hopes?
-what are your aspirations?
Personally, not only did I turn 33 years old. But I also turned a new leaf in conceptualizing my place on the planet and within the collective human consciousness. So now, these are my thoughts for a while. I have always asked myself where’s my home, my place, and where I belong, but it always ended with doing this life alone, apart from others (aside from my partner).
There has been an individualistic tint from a lack of trust in others and disappointment in human failures and relationships. I do (sometimes) want to work with others for a common goal or interest, but often, it’s hard for me to deal with “human hypocrisy” or put up with a lack of honesty, integrity, and truth in others.
In this instance, I am a quintessential Aquarius – idealistic and a rebel without a cause (to others). I suppose there is a morality to how we treat others, and the lack of authenticity I see in our society really isolates me from others. What’s simple and apparent to me about how we should treat each other’s and ourselves is complicated and nonapparent to others.
Fundamentally to my core, I have these solid ideals, and when people don’t always reach them, it’s tough for me to continue friendships and relating to people. When there is a conflict, or I see a person in a particular light, I remove myself from situations that no longer serve me. I don’t lose much sleep over it, but it has put me on an island myself. This friction in my life was brought up a lot these past few weeks.
What does belonging look like for me? How do I show up in an organization I have no control over? How do I play my role? What is my part? What does a friendship look like to me? How do I have boundaries for myself versus removing myself entirely from society?
These are not easy questions for a person who enjoys solitude and only requires a few social interactions. I just don’t fit into mainstream culture.
As a creative person, this issue with fitting in has caused the most pain. I am an outside-the-box type of girl. But art and creativity in the public sphere require self-classification and self-categorization. Artists nowadays (and maybe always) risk fading into obscurity without making our messages relatable and accessible to mainstream culture. My creativity veers in a different direction than what the mass population is doing. Where I’m heading and what I’m thinking about is atypical. I feel very alone in that often.
Regarding my art, I have been fearless in sharing despite an unsatisfactory reception and acknowledgment.
New Moon in Aquarius has forced me to reflect on decades-long friendships that ended last year. It’s okay to let go of friendships that don’t serve me or let go of people I have drifted from. I can be more selective. I don’t have to just be friends with anyone because you know they’re from my childhood and know an old version of myself. Because there are so many new connections to be made!
When I was younger, I felt a lot of guilt about not being a good friend. A friend who was not consistent in communication or physically absent because I moved around so much. As a profoundly feeling person, when I am undergoing radical transformation and change, this process is completed in solitude. For the past 10 years of my life, I’ve put such a focus on healing and transformation, so I did not have the space to grow friendships. Now that I am out of that phase (although healing is forever), I feel ready to engage with the community again.
As I build my community, I am questioning the use of technology. I could improve at keeping up with people via messaging, text, and phone calls. Since a child, I always hated talking on the phone. It’s just not my jam. For people to have instant access to me feel intrusive. Anyone feels entitled to monologize my time. I go weeks where I just don’t want to be on my phone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t value communicating with people I care about. I just wish it could be faced to face. I am challenging this aspect of technology and trying to see how I can use it to foster relationships. Although I am not convinced deep friendships can form this way, it is a good starting point.
This New Moon brought up another challenging aspect of my personality, my Aquarius desire and the never-ending search for freedom? It’s such a big part of who I am as a person. Everything about my being involves seeking freedom and feeling free in tiny and big moments. However, to feel free, I often forfeited the burden of responsibility. Not necessarily physical duties because I have somehow managed to create certain stabilities despite my nomadic lifestyle. But more so the emotional commitment of having a routine, discipline, and specific structures to ensure that my mental health is fit.
Freedom means long road trips, traveling, solo hiking, writing or reading for hours on end, eating what I want, and just doing whatever I want when I want. Which can create a bit of chaos! I am learning that freedom doesn’t need to be destabilizing. My independence and individuality do not need to be a means to an end or destructive.
My astrology teacher Cassandra said that Aquarius teaches us that “energy” is more important than “form” for this period. I repeat this to myself daily like it’s a mantra. Putting aside form has helped me not feel discouraged. Instead, I can push aside the creeping nag when specific projects don’t produce the desired result.
When starting a creative endeavor, I remind myself to embrace the energy, input, and spirit behind my actions. I ask myself:
Am I enjoying it?
Does this feel wholehearted?
Am I following my principles and values?
In everything I do, I would like to honor who I am, my individuality, my voice, and my pursuit of freedom. This past month I spent many hours meditating on how I wanted to package, transmute, share, and demonstrate all the stories within me. Aquarius is air energy, so it’s all about the communication of the mind.
As I am crafting my place in this place. My goal is to see myself as part of one big community. So how do I contribute to the collective energy with my actions without comprising myself? And how do I come together with other people to create what needs to be made for the plant to move as we break down and challenge the systems of patriarchy, racism, and capitalism that aren’t serving most people?
It’s been a dense period of learning and unlearning. Learning to be receptive instead of reactive. Refining my process while understanding the outcome only sometimes matters. But this is the journey of integrating it all. I do feel happy that I have found more modalities to help understand and make sense of this human experience.
Liosuelo 