Liosuelo

Why do I hide my quote-unquote beauty?

It’s something heavy on my mind tonight after coming back from a spontaneous meetup with a friend I met yesterday. We were talking about appearances, how we dress, and how we present ourselves to the world.

She didn’t mean it offensively, but she said what many others have expressed to me before: that I am low-key with the way I dress. I don’t necessarily put much energy into it, even if it’s a special event. And that I get away with it a bit because of my beauty.She didn’t mean it as a slight. In fact, it’s something others have voiced before in different ways. But it made me think about something deeper.

The reality is that my confidence comes from something deeper. It doesn’t really come from what I wear or how I dress. Obviously, I’ve heard that I’m beautiful enough times from my parents and from other people to know that, externally, I’m attractive, at least to some people. But I typically pride myself on other things about myself: my intelligence, my knowledge, my empathy, my experiences. The components that make me, me, exist outside of what I look like.

Maybe saying that in itself is a privilege because of the access I’ve been granted because of my looks. But in general, I do feel as if my confidence comes from something deeper.Despite that, I still admit that there’s a large part of myself that hides my exterior.

I found myself, especially when my hair was big and curly, wanting to wear it in a bun instead of down. Not wanting to draw attention. Feeling too made up when I wore makeup. Wanting to hide my curves. Wearing less revealing clothing.

Some of it was tied up in purity culture when I was a Christian. And now, being ex-Christian and nonreligious but deeply spiritual, I feel as if some of that relationship with my body, and not showing it all or feeling comfortable showing it, is a remnant of that.

But there is definitely something in me that hides behind baggy clothes and flip-flops, that doesn’t want to stand out too much.

But why?

I want to say I don’t like attention. That could be partly true. I always clam up when someone tells me I’m beautiful or that they like my smile. But I also feel as if sometimes I hide my true feelings, my voice. I hide my talents and skill sets.

So yes, there’s a deep confidence that comes from within me. But she’s right. I don’t always put my best foot forward, especially in the looks department. I definitely hide behind getting away with as little effort as possible. But I do wonder how this has affected other ways I’ve expressed myself creatively, or even in my friendships, where I pull back instead of pushing forward. Where I retreat.

As I continue to seek out a literary agent and navigate the world of publishing, which has been incredibly intimidating, a part of me wants to get back in my shell and hide. Hide my writing. Hide that I’m a creative. Hide that I want to write, that I want to publish, that I want people to read my work.

I got my first rejection the other day. And I think the process of writing books and reaching out to literary agents is helping me come more and more to terms with putting myself out there. Lately, I’ve found myself wanting to wear exciting clothes again. Wanting to sew like I used to in my twenties. Wanting to go to thrift stores. Wanting to put more effort into feeling my best physically and mentally.

I guess she’s right, in some ways.

Maybe what I’ve been hiding isn’t my beauty.

Maybe it’s myself.

And since being back in New York City, I’ve found myself wanting to explore that more and more. To be fair, I’ve spent the last ten years living a life that was centered more on internal comfort, seeking experiences that avoided consumerism, being outside in nature, and connecting with myself in ways that had nothing to do with spending money.

The reality is NYC, is a place where so much of the culture is centered on what you wear and how you present yourself. Which can be a wonderful incubator of creativity. It’s just not my current mood of self expression. So this is an adjustment. However, I can definitely see the ways I’ve hidden myself to avoid conflict, to avoid making others jealous, or to avoid drawing too much attention to myself.

But now, I think I’m ready to step into expressing myself in a few more external ways. It is like I am reintroducing myself.  My hope is to buy a sewing machine this week and get back into making silhouettes and clothing for myself like I did in my twenties. (Yay Progress!)