Liosuelo

It takes nothing to be nice. This is something my sister says a lot. She’s a nurse and works in the intensive care unit, in pediatrics, with newborns. Oftentimes, she encounters physicians who are especially rude or mean to nurses and patients. She always tells me that it says a lot about a person, and about that physician, how they treat the people around them.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on this because of an experience I had at work.

In July, I started an exciting role at a small, independent bookstore in Brooklyn. I thought it might be a good fit for me. I’ve been missing Tulsa dearly. Missing my colleagues and the work environment at Magic City Books. Missing my manager. Honestly, I’ve felt untethered in New York City, and I hoped this bookstore might help with that.

The pay was $16 an hour, plus tips, and the work involved lots of cleaning and washing dishes. Not that much bookselling. I was lucky if I touched a book during a shift.

But I stuck with it. My coworkers were creative, funny, kind, and supportive. I figured there had to be some value in the place.

My interactions with the owner felt different. I often felt that she noticed what was wrong with the space before acknowledging what was right or the people working behind the bar. Or that’s what I felt, at least. Still, I ignored it because I really wanted this to be the place for me.

Then I received a message from her about my availability. I had repeatedly communicated to the manager that I was a part-time employee, had a full-time job as a consultant, and could only work a few days a week. But the owner questioned whether I had been honestly transparent about my availability and told me that I could not take the time off I had requested.

The request being denied was not really the issue. A small business has scheduling needs, and sometimes a request cannot be accommodated. What bothered me was the tone and the assumption that I had not been transparent, without first asking what I had already communicated to the manager.

There was no conversation. It was just an order. A direction.

I left after a little over a month at the book bar, but the experience stayed with me because it made me think about the larger power dynamic between money and respect.

A big part of working in our society, working in spaces where someone pays you, is that it can feel like you agree to allow them to treat you how they deem appropriate because they are blessing you with money.

It’s as if the employee should be more grateful for employment than the owner, manager, supervisor, or business should be grateful for the person working for them. But employment is an exchange. The employee gives their time and labor, and the employer gives them money. Neither person is doing the other a favor.

I’m not saying everyone in the workplace is unkind. Usually, it is one person, maybe two, typically in a position of power, who seems to take advantage of that position. They become rude or dismissive, as if being above someone professionally gives them permission to speak to that person however they want.

Since I was young, I’ve always struggled with being in environments where kindness is not the policy. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Or it’s just a symptom of living as an empath in a patriarchal, capitalistic society.

Then I find myself wanting to speak about it, call it out, or remove myself. At times, I have stayed in situations longer than I should because I felt like I needed to learn to accept that not everyone is kind or courteous. I thought I shouldn’t expect others to treat me the way I would treat them, or the way I would like to be treated.

I think that’s part of the reason why I’ve always gravitated toward independent consulting contracts. I can pick and choose the people I want to work with, or organizations that I believe will treat me humanely, see me as a person, and give me the same level of respect that I aim to give everyone around me.

I’m still trying to understand the difference between being too sensitive and recognizing when an environment is not right for me. I don’t expect everyone to speak to me exactly the way I would speak to them. Kindness also does not mean avoiding feedback, direction, or difficult conversations.

But I no longer want to convince myself that being employed means accepting a lack of basic courtesy. I can accept that not everyone is kind without accepting that money gives them the right to be disrespectful.

Or maybe it’s just the way the world works and I have fit the mold a little bit more.