depression in paradise

Even in paradise the mornings are still the hardest for me. 

Some mornings I wake up feeling heavy, scared, confused. 

This comes when I think about the day before or anxiety comes when I think about what the new day may bring. I still get up and push through it all. 

And I try to make every new day better than the last.

I thought moving to the tropics, almost in the middle of nowhere would mean definite peace. 

The lack of people, fresh air, abundance of trees and beautiful sunsets have all helped in my healing. 

But that’s only half the battle.

True healing is independent of location and can happens in my everyday practices. 

I start fresh every day. 

I take my time every day to enjoy the small moments and find peace in the small things. 

Healing has meant learning like a kid again, with joy and curiosity.

And taking the time to create and fearlessly express myself… even if it makes others uncomfortable 

I push myself to create. 

I treat myself with kindness. I tell myself I am worthy to be happy. 

My healing has meant accepting who I am. 

Loving things I once considered flaws

Others will try to tell me I am not good enough, but I am, because my heart beats for a reason.

They tell me to be fearful of the world, and to stay in my place, but I don’t. I explore. I leave my comfort zone. 

My healing has meant forgiveness.

Forgiving myself for not being perfect and making mistakes. 

I rock myself between peace and joy. 

I allow myself to rock in the quiet. 

I cuddle myself like I would a baby. 

I push myself to see the purpose in my pain and the meanings in my failures. 

Healing has meant slowing down and seeing the beauty in the small patterns of life all around me.

Healing has meant digging up old wounds and old hurt and understanding my pain and letting it go.

I had to crack myself open and be vulnerable again. 

Sometimes I pick at old scabs and wounds to move forward.

I do this with the hope that they will heal again. 

I’ve opened myself up to resting and being bored even when my mind wants to go a million miles an hour. 

I relax, I sit, and I take my life in. 

In that rest I listened to what feelings and emotions come up and I process it. 

I’ve had to release my anger at the world and all the prejudices I’ve faced. 

I crack myself open to build myself back up again. 

And then there’s nature. 

Nature heals me because I see it so much bigger than me. 

I see myself in nature. 

Nature gives me hope, that maybe there is an order to the chaos. 

Life, death, and rebirth is a cycle beyond my scope. 

I see there’s a world infinitely larger, and just as complex as my own.  

And I feel a sigh relief. 

I can loosen up and breathe with a little more ease. 

Maybe I don’t have to have the answers to everything.

Maybe there is something out there pulling the strings of time to work out in my favor. 

I find light in the small corners and knucks and crannies of the universe. 

Healing has meant climbing the steps of self-love and abundance.

And building myself up in every way possible, so that no one can tear me down again. 

I take time and observe the world around me. 

I see purpose in the mundane. 

I promise myself to keep going forward step by step. 

I tap into something deeper than me. 

The road to healing is wide and vast.

And often times scary. 

Some say the future belongs to the brave and the bold, but I’m not able to be bold and brave daily.

Yes, it does.

I think the future belongs to those who keep trying, no matter how small the steps may be. 

I stumble most days and can’t believe how much more I must go.

But I don’t stop my NorthStar is my will to fight and feel true freedom.

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