Daddy: A birth & A death

My dad would have been 60 today. Imagine that!

In a way that’s all I have.

My imagination.

For the last four years since his untimely death my imagine has been my beacon of hope.

& I cling to it.

I imagine what he would have looked like.

I imagine his smile.

I imagine him visiting me when I lived in Thailand & Mexico.

I imagine his outrageous politically incorrect commentary.

I imagine his laugh today, when I call him “viejo”.

It feels impossible to heal after a death.

And yet we do.

Somehow…

My grief over my dads tragic death taught me the fragility of human life but also the strength of our spirit.

The will to LIVE is innate and primal.

However, what surpasses the will to live is the power of LOVE.

My dad at the end of his life didn’t want to live. He was tired. He was heartbroken.

He was suffering.

But his love for me is eternal.

And my love for him is what keeps my heart beating every day.

That never dies.

Sometimes I question having children.

I wonder why would I bring a child onto this planet to feel this unavoidable pain I feel?

The pain of loss is overwhelming. I never want them to feel the grief of losing a parent.

But then I think of the profound bond between parent and child.The complexity and vastness of our love for one another…To see my likeness in him. To have all his best parts. It’s beautiful.

Death and grief have affected my entire being.

I am scared everyday of the next person I love dying. It will happen again.

All the people I care the most for on this planet will die…eventually. I can’t evade death.

Sometimes I find myself not wanting to get closer to my love ones, just because I know they won’t be here one day. And no time feels like enough time.

I counteract my trauma by telling myself, there is no end to life. It’s just a continuum that changes.

Plus…I know he is with me. I know it. I feel him. I talk to him.

I just wish I could hold him one last time.

I wish… so much.

But I honor you.

I thank you.

For the memories.

For your sacrifices.

& I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more.

God I miss you so much daddy. It hurts. It’s painful.

Yet, It’s invigorating.

Your spirit keeps me alive.

I was left enough to keep going. So here I am moving forward as you would want me to.

Playing your favorite salsa songs & dancing through the grief.

The reality is Today is a celebration. Because on this day 60 years ago in Panama you were born. You irrevocably changed the fabric of the universe.

You cried and inhaled a deep breathe of air.

Then you lived a rich life. As friend , a child, a husband , and a parent.

You meant something. You were one of the tiny ripples in the vast sea of our existence.

With my mother, you had me & gave me this beautiful gift of LIFE.

Your existence means something. Love you.

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