I guess the grief does get easier

Dear Daddy,

I just wanted to tell you, that I miss you.

It’s two years now and I’m at the point where everyone told me that the grief will feel easier.

& it is.

It’s better now.

The grief is easier “to manage”.

I still dream with you nightly, but the nightmares are down to once every other week. 

Instead of crying uncontrollably when I have daily memories of you, now I smile. It’s not a toothy smile, but a deep and wide melancholic grin.

I am much less angry too. Less angry at you and less angry at the world.

I am better now because my whole idea of the afterlife and the spirit realm has shifted, and I find comfort in my new belief systems. 

Daily I tap into the fiery passion you leftover. It’s my weapon. Whereas before I was unsure of how to place your legacy in my future.

The first year you died, when I heard salsa music I would have to run and find a private place to cry, but now I listen to your favorite salseros on the treadmill for the last minute of a hard sprint. 

So yeah, it’s not like how it was when you first died or even the first year after you died.

But…

there is still a huge void, and you are the only person whose presence can fill it.

When I feel the emptiness, I close my eyes and just paint an image of you right next to me. I refuse to feel like I’m alone, because I know you are near. 

The void is large though and sometimes my imagination is not powerful enough, and the hole feels so vast.

If that’s the case, then I squeeze bits and pieces of things that bring me joy and peace into it. I’ll read a funny novel, dig my feet in some soft sand, strum my guitar, or lay in the hammock under the moonlight.

I think it’s better now because I have a new life routine set in your absence.

Daddy, I have gotten used to you no longer being a person I call anymore.

I have adjusted to not hearing your jokes and laughter.

I have gotten used to having no one that can annoy me as much as you did.

But I miss you. 

I miss you daily and think about you daily. I miss joking around and telling you that you were obsessed with your children and every detail of our life. I miss telling you, that you cared too much

Who would have thought that I would miss your phone calls to tell me your random thoughts and feelings?

Who would have thought that every member of our little family would miss being the center of your universe?

I guess that was the problem. Maybe you invested too much into your family. And there wasn’t much left for you to deal with yourself. Maybe you should have put more attention into your career or money or whatever else would have kept you alive longer.

Every day you made my breakfast, packed my lunch, picked me up from school, took me to and from activities, and did the Costco runs.

But maybe you should have spent that time obsessing on your own life and your own health.

It feels unfair that you aren’t around.

That worse fathers get to live.

But I know I shouldn’t compare.

Outside of the decisions you made that caused your death, I just can’t get over the feeling that not all the cards were stacked in your favor…

Anyway, till we meet again I’ll reminisce on the times we had together even if they were cut short. I know I have enough love from you to last me multiple lifetimes.

And like I said the grief is easier, I guess my life does go on.

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