A Birthday Letter

Happy Birthday, You. 

You made it through another year. 

& although you don’t really want to celebrate it. 

You know you should. 

You should mark the occasion in some way. 

So here you are…

Writing, expressing, emoting… 

Remembering your words have power. 

The days leading up to today, I felt so much sadness. I couldn’t place why. Everything in my life is going fine, actually. Then I realized it was my dad and his absence that’s bringing me grief. 

I miss him. Not seeing him or getting his birthday card is a reality I must come to grips with every year for the rest of my life. I am learning to accept the grief that comes with not having a father to celebrate my milestones with. 

I cried the day before my birthday for one hour. I did not know why, but the tears just flowed. 

10 mins into my cries, I felt an immense pressure release from the center of my chest. 

After, I didn’t feel perfect or whole necessarily, but I felt better. 

Right now, I am reflecting on how the past two years, on how I have learned to release my pain with the power of my thoughts and art. 

However, I want more this year. I want to challenge myself to mend my wounds and wade through grief by healing my physical body. I have been on a long journey to achieving optimal health and every day I learn something new. This year, I have hit many goals with my athleticism, but I want more though. 

I want to allow more movement into my body to help me heal. 

This year I have seen that when I exert myself physically, I can transmute my pain via another modality. By using movement, I can prevent feeling burnt out mentally. Which is nice, because sometimes my mind needs a break. 

My goal is to create daily practices of being physically disciplined as I have done with my mind and spirituality. 
I want to work on my flexibility because I think a limber body will help me bent and adjust to the flows of this life. I want to build my physical strength, to have more power to lift and push myself through the tough times I know await me. I want to work on my balance while doing inversions to keep a level head when my world feels upside down. And I want the ability to go for long-distance runs, to increase my endurance so I keep moving even when I can’t see the end in sight. I think it’s all connected. I see it more and more, the connection between my physical body and mind. 

My body has taken the burden, and the brunt of a lot of my pain and hurt, and sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the repercussions of that. I feel the heaviness in my muscles, my bones, and even in my protective layers of fat.

In the following months, I want to feel like my body is a reflection of the self-love and care I have for myself. I am ready to be my best and feel more comfortable in my body again. I want it to reflect the type of warrior I am. I think that’ll be the best birthday gift I can give myself this year.  I know my dad would be proud of me. 

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