I feel okay…
I feel solid…
I want to say happy, but that makes me nervous.
In the past, happiness has never lasted for me. It was temporary and fleeting. My happiness was constantly interrupted by unexpected turmoil or disappointment. I don’t mean tiny moments of annoyance like dropping my Starbucks latte all over my outfit (although that happens regularly). Instead, I am talking about cataclysmic disruptions and upheavals punctuating moments of joy.
Some moments are too painful to revisit at the moment. The ones I can think of off the top of my head are: my laptop being stolen from my car right after I digitized decades’ worth of irreplaceable family keepsakes and memories (I was on my way home to transfer it to my external hard drive) or my father tragedy passing away and then my family brownstone being sold shortly after, or the pandemic, or the devastating moments of my partner and I feeling abandoned by some family members when we needed them the most.
But always… I’ve forged ahead, hopping from one moment of reprieve to the next, patiently waiting for the next curve ball. And it hasn’t come. There have been hiccups, but despite them, I feel…good. I feel joy.
It’s been years of intentional healing, of diving head-first into my pain and trauma. Deep within me is this compass that always pointed toward truth and honesty. It’s just not in my makeup to hide behind disillusion. I’ve seen what denial and unresolved trauma have done to the world and people around me, and I try to do my best to confront my demons. However, this journey has been tiresome, isolating, and disorienting.
The formula for my healing has been a balancing act of loosening and retightening the threads of my life. Over the years, I have reversed old patterns that no longer served me. As a result, I have rediscovered my innocence and relearned what it means to have hope.
There was a significant shift the week before the Spring equinox. I had a reading, and during the session, I was venting my dismay about all my unfulfilled desires. She responded, “It’s a mindset shift for you.” Her words clicked. This inner voice told me I had all I needed.
& I do have all I need and much of what I desire. It has not been by chance but by hard work and steady tolling. It’s time to reap what I have sowed. Lately, I’ve been accepting that, for now, “the work is done,” and it’s time to enjoy it. There is no calamity coming.
Many spiritual readings and mentors have urged me to lean more into my feminine side and softer energy and allow things to come to me, leaning into my heart space. So, I’ve been actively trying to allow myself to receive the flow of love from others. Plus, the act of practicing self-love.
I am even finding pleasure and joy in the mundanity of my daily life. Usually, I am my judge, jury, and executioner. But I am being called to nurture and mother myself. Since putting these actions into place, I finally feel deeply at ease. I can’t recall ever feeling this confident or “okay.” I am searching my brain for a better word than “okay,”…but I can’t.
This transition to being at ease has been smooth and almost seamless. I always envisioned the moment I felt “happy” or mostly “healed” to be explosive and orgasmic. Yet here I am. Arriving on a gentle wave and landing on soft shores. Nothing has significantly changed in the world around me. But I have changed. And I feel it deep to my core. Of course, healing is a continuum and never ends. But right now, I’m ahead of the curve. If only my a few centimeters & I’m grateful.
The transition from winter to spring couldn’t be a more perfect backdrop. Seeing the trees bloom soft, vibrant purple flowers feels rejuvenating and sparks profound hope. The other day I was praying and said aloud, “Omg, I have nothing to pray for.” Of course, I have dreams for my future, but I no longer feel the scarcity within me to petition my desires daily. And it feels nice.
It’s said that spring is a time for a changing of the guard, and I am willfully embracing this new me. What’s coming to mind is the “Fools journey” of the Tarot. I think I am in my “Wheel of Fortune” moment. The winds have changed for me. In this phase of my life, I can finally exhale… just a bit.